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@iwearaonesie: me: Go back! uber driver: Did I miss the turn? me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
@klickitatstreet: I'd only marry someone if they seemed like they'd be pretty easygoing during our divorce.
@DannyZuker: Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
@Ygrene: [being murdered] Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher Murderer: …yes Me: and you didnt empty it Murderer: [murder roles reverse]