I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
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I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now