My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
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“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
What?!?
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter