My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
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ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
how to market bottled water to dads
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again