[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
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[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
bugs when you lift up a rock
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
181.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
New tinder profile pic
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops