I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
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*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Ummm
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Mad Max Arctic Road
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus