Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
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At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.