Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
You Might Also Like
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left