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My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
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ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other