The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
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“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
I was bored.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Omg 🤣
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
That’s classic.