older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
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After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
An odd boast
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard