[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
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No one :
Me when I swimming :
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Perfect.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark