I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
You Might Also Like
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*