I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
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Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
incredible
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”