[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
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A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
thanks auntie mary
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed