[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
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I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.