10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
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Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
I’m about to risk it all
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.