10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
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air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.