10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
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I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
bias laundering edition
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.