@TheBoydP: Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife's is around $643.27. Apparently

@EndhooS: "What are you doing here?" I just got fired from the circus "Oh my" Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond

@Danny_McH2O: I like that the doctor always asks if I'm a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit. No shit? Thanks. Here's all my money.

@mydmac: Diet diary, day 3 I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake. But the cup cakes were amazing.

@vanluvz1: Bring in 2015 the same way you came into this world. Naked and screaming.