@adamhess1: So if Humpty Dumpty is an egg, what species is the thing inside him? Another egg? "No I mean do you have any questions about the job?"

@samalmightysam: "It's not you, it's me." -Twins looking at some family photos

@kumailn: If someone's mean to you, just lean in and whisper "I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world" to them & get that monstrosity stuck in their head.

@KateQFunny: Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length. Me: You could stop cutting.

@aka_fatman: President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you- [two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow] That wasn't the intercom.