10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
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I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.