10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
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[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
I’m having an out of money experience.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them