11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
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why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.