11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
You Might Also Like
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
motivation
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.