*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
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my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic