*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
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4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Jesus Christ lmao