11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
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Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
“That’s what” – She
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.