11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
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the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?