11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
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Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
me when I see my crush
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?