Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
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If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Autocorrect completely socks
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
the greatest twitter interaction
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS