If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
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*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?