Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
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Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically