In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
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What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.