How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
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Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.