New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
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I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.