My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
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[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Yup.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
This probably isn’t good