Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
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dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower