so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
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Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.