That earthquake could have been an email.
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ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.