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*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
“Why you watching this shit?”
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything