Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
You Might Also Like
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.