Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
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My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.