Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
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Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Comparing yourself to others
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Jurassic park gets weird
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
The devil.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use