The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
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*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?