Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
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Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]