Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
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If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that