I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
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Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Oh my god
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.