The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
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i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.