tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
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Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.