Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
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No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?