Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
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You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
me, too, girl. me, too.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.