I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
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Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
“A little help here, Danny?”
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”